Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
