Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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