I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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