i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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