Swine flu. Run for my life!
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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