be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
