i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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