Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
