In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
