nut hugger
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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