i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
