Will you blow on my dice?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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