I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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