I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
