i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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