Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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