He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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