He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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