i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
