Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I have aggressive nipples.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
