the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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