Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
