do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Randomize
