So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
