is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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