the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
