giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
