Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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