i think my mom watched the whole time
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
