just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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