I wish I only lived at night.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
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