I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
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i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
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I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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