i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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