After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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