im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
either way he was missing a nipple.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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