I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
