I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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