Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
