I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
