I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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