According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
