the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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