you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
