She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
