dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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