You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
