I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
