i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
