i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
