Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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