Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
