ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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