Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize