If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
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Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
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Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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