you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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