Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Randomize
