i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
